Melania Trump wants to be a ‘traditional’ first lady like Betty Ford.

OK, I know you talked about the Trumps in your past two columns, but one last question: what to make of Melania?

Michael, by email

“One last question”? Oh, I think we’ll return to this subject plenty over the next few years. But I agree, I’ll try to give it a rest after this, at least until the inauguration. Although I am the person who reassured their best friend on 7 November, “I promise Hillary Clinton will be president,” so don’t set too much store by my promises.

Yes, indeedy, what to make of Melania? Before this campaign, I assumed she was yet another Manhattan trophy wife. Goodness, she looked happy to strike absurd poses in absurd clothes in magazine shoots in which she and her husband showed off their revoltingly ostentatious Manhattan penthouse, which is decorated in a style best described as Dictator Chic (really, we should all have been more on our guard all this time). Honestly, if Saddam Hussein and Robert Mugabe ever saw this penthouse, they would exchange glances and be immediate converts to minimalism.

And Melania seemed very happy with this life. She reassured journalists that Donald is, actually, despite his long history of infidelities, a perfect husband: “If I say, ‘I need an hour, I’m going to take a bath,’ or ‘I’m having a massage,’ he doesn’t have anything against it. He’s very understanding that way.” As for the perfect husband himself, he was once asked by Howard Stern what he would do if Melania were disfigured in a car accident – would he stay with her?

“How do the breasts look?” asked Mr Perfect.

Sadly, we have no time to talk about the time Donald’s first wife, Ivana, said during her sworn divorce deposition in 1990 that, after this perfect husband had a “scalp reduction” operation to reduce a bald spot – which he found more painful than he liked – he raped her in retribution. Trump has denied the allegation and, hey, surely he would never resort to rehashing old and denied accusations from the past, so let’s follow his lead.

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